Everything I hope for you.

I hope as you grow from a little girl to a beautiful woman that you don’t lose that sparkle in your eye. The sparkle you get when you see something new for the first time and curiosity just takes over your whole being and you have to investigate. I hope you’ll forever keep it.

I hope you still want to sit with me on the sofa, watching your favourite films, eating your favourite food. I will always hope that no matter how big you get, you’ll still think of me as this amazing person that you do now. I hope I am not the whole of your world but that I am a big enough part of it that you still want to involve me in, not only the big things that happen to you but even the small.

I hope I will bring you up to not be opinionated or rude but to be able to stand your ground and not get pushed around. I hope the stubbornness you’ve got nailed now will forever stay with you. I hope that you’ll keep that fire inside your stomach and that it’ll drive your determination to do anything.

I hope that you aren’t terrified of experiencing the world but you are careful and smart. I want more than anything for you to do everything you will ever wish to do but I also hope you remember that life and this big world can be dangerous and you should always listen to that voice inside your head. I hope that voice inside your head will always be me, guiding you and keeping you safe no matter where myself or you are.

I hope you will always know right from wrong. I hope that you will always be as kind and selfless as you are now and that you’ll always give people all that love inside your heart but I also hope that you receive the love you will give so freely. I hope you will know what you deserve and if someone isn’t giving it to you then I hope you’ll be big enough and brave enough to demand it or walk away. You’re the most loving little girl I know and you deserve all the love in the world. Remember that!

I hope that no one will dull your personality, I hope that you will still sing whenever you want to and I hope the funny, weird and wacky little girl you are now will always stay with you. Never let anyone change you. Never go about your life trying to be someone else just to please people around you, be your wonderful self and everyone who’s worthy of you will love you for it. Your personality will never be boring, the words you speak will never be boring as long as you live your life and speak your words with confidence.

I hope you will still stand there when you’re older and say “my name is Hattie O’Brien – Chan” with the same proudness you do now because there will only ever be one of you and take it from me, you’re the best person that has graced this world. You’ve made many peoples lives a better one just by being you.

 

 

Poorly Hattie, tired mammy

So lets face it, after having three sleepless nights, a grizzly baby, trips to the doctors and sick in my hair and Hattie’s hair, I think I can officially say parenting is bloody hard and sometimes complete bullshit!

There is absolutely nothing worse or more worrying than your child being unwell. Hattie has had her second viral infection in the last month and this time it has completely knocked her socks off. She’s struggling keeping her temperature down, she’s not eating, she’s lethargic, she’s having coughing fits which results to vomit absolutely everywhere (and I mean EVERYWHERE!!)

I was stood by the sick little less than half hour ago washing excess sick off Hattie’s bed sheets, pillow, pyjamas then putting them on a boil wash, then cleaning the sick off the carpet and bathroom floor and then literally spraying the shit out of a Febreze can to try and stop the smell of sick taking over the house.

Luckily though Hattie woke up, threw up everywhere, had a little cry and is now comfortably sleeping right next to me in bed, whereas I on the other hand is sat in bed, wide awake with fear in case Hattie is sick again and chokes on it – this is exactly what goes through every mothers mind!! The big light is on and I am not going to sleep until I know for a fact that Hattie is safe and well out of the “spewing everywhere” phase.

I mean who said parenthood wasn’t glamorous? Because I may be buzzing of sick with greasy and sick infested hair and black circles around my eyes but I am pretty much owning it!

 

Something for myself –

For the past two years I’ve only been a mum. I know it sounds so bad – ‘only been a mum’ but I have and I have loved every minute of it but one thing my life has lacked and one thing I promised myself on New Years was that I would find something to do for myself. May it be a hobby, a course of some kind or even bloody bingo on a Tuesday night. Whatever it is, I promised myself I would find it and I would do it.

Although I have been wanting to attend bingo with some friends for a while now, (I am 22 not 82, believe me.) I haven’t had the chance but I have found something that I absolutely love and its something for myself. I have officially started a night course in my local college. Its every Monday for a couple of hours where I am out of the house, learning something new and interacting with new people.

I am studying Theatrical and Media Makeup and I am loving it! I feel like this is something I want to learn more of, something I want to wrap myself around, something I want to do well in. I’ve only been to three classes at the moment and I’ve only learnt bruising and scars but it is incredible. I find myself searching tutorials online, watching horrors just to see the makeup and wanting to go somewhere with this.

I will always be a mum first and foremost. Nothing will come close to my darling Hattie but I am still 22, I still want to learn new things and experience life. I am so thankful for my life that I don’t want to miss out on anything! I want to wake up and take in every beautiful thing, I want to breathe in life, I want to live!

I am going to make a career doing something I love and I honestly hope this is it! I hope I get to make a living out of this. I have so many plans on what I want to do after this course that I am so excited.

I know that no matter what happens, Hattie is going to grow up incredibly proud of me, I am her mother, I am incredibly proud of my mother in whatever she does but I do want Hattie to know that I am doing something I love and that no matter happens in her life, she can too.

Good people bring up even better children. I want Hattie to grow up loving the life she lives and if she doesn’t love it, I want her to be brave enough to change whatever she needs to change.

My  daughter is my life so I am going to make damn sure her life will always be brilliant.

2nd of August – Hattie’s two year check

I’ve been thinking for a while that I’ve needed to touch base a little and give my blog some much needed TLC but I have been so busy and so bloody stressed that I haven’t been able to just sit down and write but seeing as yesterday was such an amazing and monumental day in my life I thought that I’d make time and just document what happened in Hattie’s two year check.

Hattie has always been very forward in her little ways, the day she was born she was trying to lift her head and have a little nose around and she was walking by nine months, so I have had no concerns or worries about the way Hattie was growing or her behaviour.

The health visitor came and what should of been a 30 minute session only took 15 minutes. She couldn’t get over how forward Hattie was. Hattie built blocks, did a jigsaw puzzle, recognised which colours went where and named a few which left the health visitor in a little daze of how brilliant Hattie is! Hattie recognised the big and little spoon, pointed out the eyes, nose, mouth and tail on the cat and could say which little boy had shoes on and which didn’t. I was giggling so much because if I didn’t laugh, I was going to cry my eyes out. I am always proud of Hattie but seeing her do everything she was meant to with such ease made me feel like I am actually doing something right.

The health visitor then asked a few questions and wrote in her notes but before she left she asked me if Hattie is in nursery which I replied with a no. The health visitor was so shocked because she said she only sees children that advanced when they’ve been in a nursery from a young age.

The health visitor not only sung Hattie’s praises but also my own. She said that I was doing an amazing job and that everything I am doing with Hattie is spot on and that Hattie being so forward is all down to me and how I interact with her and play with her.

Some times all you need is a professional to say you’re doing a good job for all the silly little worries to disappear. I am a bloody good mother and yesterday, Hattie proved it!

So it looks like I am doing a great job… Next step, potty training!

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Wish us luck!!!!

Body shaming idiots..

I am absolutely sick to death of seeing people body shame others all over social media. It angers me so much that what others look like can upset certain people to the point that they either have to write about it on social media or they just sit there chatting shit about this random ‘fat’ woman they work with. WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!

Since the weather has become somewhat warm and sunny in good old Wales, all I’ve seen is people making it their duty to tell everyone that ‘they should dress for their body and not for the weather’ – are you kidding me?! its 30 bloody degrees, walk around naked for all I care. As long as you feel cool and are happy in what you’re wearing then why should some idiot stop you from wearing a certain pair of shorts or a bloody dress.

And while I’m talking about it (or should I say ranting) why do you body shaming idiots think its ok to make someone feel uncomfortable in their own skin? So what if they weigh more than you do, you are in no way superior to them, in fact, you’re so below them that they shouldn’t even worry about the shit you spout from that horrible mouth of yours!

Since having my daughter all I have heard is about my weight. For some reason people assume because I’ve had a baby that everyone can comment on my weight and how I look. So what that my daughter is nearly two and I am still not down to the size I was before I was pregnant, so what that I have been on about 10 diets and failed every time since having her – how does any of that affect your life?

“You’re on a diet again? try and stick to it this time.”

“Well I’ll be able to do that if that fat woman can.”

“I’m off to fat club tonight – should be a laugh.”

“You shouldn’t be eating that if you want to get thin.”

I hear and see these comments everyday but it still doesn’t make it right! Stop body shaming others you wankers and concentrate on your own little life. I am still not in the size I was before having Hattie and that’s okay because you know what? I may have rolls, a flabby stomach, my legs may jiggle when I walk and my legs may be covered in stretch marks but my body did something amazing. It made my perfect little girl, it went through nine months of stretching and then so many agonising hours of labour and it gave me my best friend, my baby! So the time when I should be in love with my body, I’m not. I am so disconnected to it because of all those stupid comments. I should be loving all my rolls and jiggly bits but I am not, I am instead trying to cover them up and hide them. From now on though, fuck it! I may not have the perfect body but what I do have is the perfect daughter and my body created her and made her the perfect little girl she is today!

Everyone should love themselves enough to not need to put others down – if we all took some time to look at ourselves in the mirror, we’d all find something we hate and wouldn’t want pointing out so don’t do it to other people! There’s enough hate in the world, so don’t add anymore to it.

 

4:30am – “morning mammy”

Hattie normally isn’t one for early mornings, never has been. The earliest she has ever woken up I think is at 7, unless she is teething or unwell. So when my head started ringing with her cries and my eyes would hardly stay open, I knew my poor little baby was feeling a little under the weather. So we spent this morning eating ham sandwiches in bed and watching Tangled at half past four.

Come 6am that just wasn’t good enough, Hattie attempted to sleep but couldn’t as she was in too much pain. She was in so much pain that even her toes were curling. So off we went downstairs with a big blanket and CBeebies in the hope of that relaxing her.

Come 7am and that still wasn’t helping. Hattie searched the house for her nanny and bampie who are in Edinburgh and then went on to search for her auntie Mi Mi, who to her dismay was getting ready for work. So we curled up in auntie Mi Mi’s bed and watched tiny pop while my wonderful sister made us a delicious picnic, just in case Hattie didn’t fancy venturing downstairs today.

Come 8:30, a pack of Wotsits and a few Jaffa cakes later and Hattie is finally asleep. I tidy up a little bit, make sure Hattie is comfy and within half hour of dropping off, up wakes Hattie with the biggest smile on her face and the sloppiest kiss on mine.

And that’s when my tiredness just disappeared. It all just vanished as soon as her sparkly whites were showing and the corner of her lips were nearly touching her eyes – mammy duties can be hard work, it can drain every inch of emotion from you but this morning was one of my favourite mornings. A morning that was filled with cuddles, picnics, films and even a few smiles even though Hattie was definitely not right.

People just assume being a full time mother is a piece of cake. That all you do is play, watch tv and do sod all everyday but honestly, its hard. Its real damn hard! You not only have to take care of yourself but you have to take care of another human being that would be totally lost without you. When you’re a full time parent you have the worlds strictest boss, with the longest hours and hardly any breaks, unless you call filling and emptying the washing machine a thousand times a day a break – which believe me, I don’t as Miss Hattie is standing right next to me, making sure I do everything right. I mean imagine having your boss following you around everywhere? Even when you need to use the toilet.

Its the hardest job in the world, some days it really pushes me to my limits but its so rewarding and lovely. My Hattie is so loving, happy and content and I know that most of that is my doing and I couldn’t be more proud of Hattie and myself.

Jam sandwiches and Peppa Pig.

The last couple of nights, all Hattie has wanted to eat for dinner is jam sandwiches whilst sat naked on the sofa watching Peppa pig. The sun has most definitely taken it out of her and she is teething so much that her t-shirt is forever soaked and her cheeks are always the perfect shade of pink.

I have struggled for a few days getting her to eat and finally, she eats something! Not what I’d hope for her to eat for dinner but as long as there is something in her little tummy then I honestly do not mind – what else can a mam do?!

Like I have said a few times that I have only found out since becoming a mum is that most days your definition of a good day changes dramatically with how your toddler wakes up in the morning. Some days your bar of what is a good day is raised so high because your child has woken up in a great mood and will actually let you sweep and hoover all in one day without shouting no about a million times because as soon as there’s a perfectly swept pile of crap in the corner, she’s off, running into it and making you have to sweep all over again and others, you’re lucky enough to get her dressed and eat anything other than jam sandwiches.

Never judge your parenting or anyone else’s for that matter because you don’t know what they have had to put up with all day or even all week. You don’t know how much sleep they’ve been able to have or how many times they have had to leave their child kicking and screaming on the floor because they don’t want the food that they apparently loved a few days ago.

Parenting isn’t easy and its forever changing. You’re all doing an amazing job and you know what? So am I! This post is just to say moan as much as you brag. Show other parents that its all normal to have bad days as much as it good days. Its normal to be wishing on bed time from the minute they open their little eyes. Don’t ever feel disheartened of sad because on some days you do need a break. You do need help!

Its all fucking normal!