4:30am – “morning mammy”

Hattie normally isn’t one for early mornings, never has been. The earliest she has ever woken up I think is at 7, unless she is teething or unwell. So when my head started ringing with her cries and my eyes would hardly stay open, I knew my poor little baby was feeling a little under the weather. So we spent this morning eating ham sandwiches in bed and watching Tangled at half past four.

Come 6am that just wasn’t good enough, Hattie attempted to sleep but couldn’t as she was in too much pain. She was in so much pain that even her toes were curling. So off we went downstairs with a big blanket and CBeebies in the hope of that relaxing her.

Come 7am and that still wasn’t helping. Hattie searched the house for her nanny and bampie who are in Edinburgh and then went on to search for her auntie Mi Mi, who to her dismay was getting ready for work. So we curled up in auntie Mi Mi’s bed and watched tiny pop while my wonderful sister made us a delicious picnic, just in case Hattie didn’t fancy venturing downstairs today.

Come 8:30, a pack of Wotsits and a few Jaffa cakes later and Hattie is finally asleep. I tidy up a little bit, make sure Hattie is comfy and within half hour of dropping off, up wakes Hattie with the biggest smile on her face and the sloppiest kiss on mine.

And that’s when my tiredness just disappeared. It all just vanished as soon as her sparkly whites were showing and the corner of her lips were nearly touching her eyes – mammy duties can be hard work, it can drain every inch of emotion from you but this morning was one of my favourite mornings. A morning that was filled with cuddles, picnics, films and even a few smiles even though Hattie was definitely not right.

People just assume being a full time mother is a piece of cake. That all you do is play, watch tv and do sod all everyday but honestly, its hard. Its real damn hard! You not only have to take care of yourself but you have to take care of another human being that would be totally lost without you. When you’re a full time parent you have the worlds strictest boss, with the longest hours and hardly any breaks, unless you call filling and emptying the washing machine a thousand times a day a break – which believe me, I don’t as Miss Hattie is standing right next to me, making sure I do everything right. I mean imagine having your boss following you around everywhere? Even when you need to use the toilet.

Its the hardest job in the world, some days it really pushes me to my limits but its so rewarding and lovely. My Hattie is so loving, happy and content and I know that most of that is my doing and I couldn’t be more proud of Hattie and myself.

Jam sandwiches and Peppa Pig.

The last couple of nights, all Hattie has wanted to eat for dinner is jam sandwiches whilst sat naked on the sofa watching Peppa pig. The sun has most definitely taken it out of her and she is teething so much that her t-shirt is forever soaked and her cheeks are always the perfect shade of pink.

I have struggled for a few days getting her to eat and finally, she eats something! Not what I’d hope for her to eat for dinner but as long as there is something in her little tummy then I honestly do not mind – what else can a mam do?!

Like I have said a few times that I have only found out since becoming a mum is that most days your definition of a good day changes dramatically with how your toddler wakes up in the morning. Some days your bar of what is a good day is raised so high because your child has woken up in a great mood and will actually let you sweep and hoover all in one day without shouting no about a million times because as soon as there’s a perfectly swept pile of crap in the corner, she’s off, running into it and making you have to sweep all over again and others, you’re lucky enough to get her dressed and eat anything other than jam sandwiches.

Never judge your parenting or anyone else’s for that matter because you don’t know what they have had to put up with all day or even all week. You don’t know how much sleep they’ve been able to have or how many times they have had to leave their child kicking and screaming on the floor because they don’t want the food that they apparently loved a few days ago.

Parenting isn’t easy and its forever changing. You’re all doing an amazing job and you know what? So am I! This post is just to say moan as much as you brag. Show other parents that its all normal to have bad days as much as it good days. Its normal to be wishing on bed time from the minute they open their little eyes. Don’t ever feel disheartened of sad because on some days you do need a break. You do need help!

Its all fucking normal!

Sunshine, swimming pools and suntan lotion.

I once again have left my blog alone for a month. This time it has nothing to with my ‘feeling lost’ as right now, I have left my drama queen Alta ego alone. This long break has been because the sunshine has finally found South Wales. I have been no where near my laptop to be able to write any blog posts as my 18 month old has most definitely kept me on my toes.

In the last few days, we’ve been on many days out and been splashing around the paddling pool like there’s no tomorrow so I can officially say that summer is well and truly in full swing in my house hold.

Hattie has been eating copious amounts of ice cream and ice lollies, has had about 3 outfit changes a day and is still throwing tantrums and refusing to keep her hat on.  She has been dancing to the radio, laughing her head off and has said ‘more mammy’ more times than I can actually count.

My favourite sound to hear is Hattie’s belly laugh. Her chuckle goes on and on until it is rudely interrupted by a fit of hiccups and sometimes ever being sick in her own mouth but my god, seeing her that happy will forever be my favourite thing.

My least favourite sound is when I sit back and rehear all of the typical ‘mum’ things I have said to Hattie through out the day. Recently every time I open my mouth, my mum ends up coming out. I am turning more into her every day which isn’t a bad thing but my god, come on!

If I ever meet up with friends and take Hattie with me, I can see their eyes rolling into the back of their heads as while they are trying to tell me a story which would usually take them five minutes to tell, it is now thirty minutes down and I am still looking over their heads, ignoring everything they say while shouting – ‘Hattie, put that down!’ ‘Hattie, don’t touch that!’ ‘Hattie, come here and stop playing up!’ – I then turn back to my friend who has once again stopped talking and say ‘sorry, I didn’t hear you, what did you say?’ all that while once again ignoring everything they say while watching everything my now curious and adventurous daughter is doing. I am honestly still not good with multitasking and I don’t think I’ve listened to word people has said since Hattie started walking at nine months old.

The fact that once again I’ve gone off on one and started talking about something completely off topic shows that I do need to keep this blogging more frequently and stop taking such long breaks because many people reading this has probably gotten bored and gone on to something else but to the people who are still with me, comment below to collect your reward for actually taking time out of your day to listen to a mum ramble on about absolute rubbish!

Anyways, Hattie has awoken from her slumber and the sun is calling her name once again, see ya soon…. hopefully!

Is there such a thing as bloggers block?

I haven’t wrote on my blog for about a month now and believe me, it hasn’t been because I’ve been SO busy with my fantastic social life, its been because I’ve honestly felt like I’ve got nothing worth writing about. For the first time in my life, I, Amber O’Brien has honestly nothing to say.

I feel like I’ve lost my confidence, lost my ‘mojo.’

And being quite honest with you all, I feel like right now, I’ve also lost myself.

I am sat here, in the dark listening to my 18 month old snore away and I feel like I’ve lost who I was and I’m not on about the person I was before I had Hattie, I mean the person I was not only a measly few months ago. Is that normal?

The only way I can describe this dramatic feeling of being lost is that I’ve grown all of a sudden, I have shed my old life like a lizard sheds his skin but I am yet to find what the new me likes, dislikes or what is actually interesting or quirky enough about myself to keep people reading my blog. My only true way to vent and brag about my wonderful life.

The only thing I do know with great confidence is that I am a damn good mum. I have the absolute amazing daughter who is my little shadow. I couldn’t live without my mini ray of sunshine. I think that’s why I have somehow lost myself. I am too busy being ‘mammy’ that I’ve actually forgot how to be Amber.

Please tell me I am not the only one who goes through this type of thing?!

You see all these other mums that have friends with babies, that makes muffins and their child is sleeping by 7pm, eats every meal without having to be tempted by Peppa pig on the IPhone and you think to yourself, damn, I’m lucky if my daughter isn’t running around butt naked at midday and is in bed before 10pm. I mean, what is free time anyways? They just portray that they have all their shit sorted. They know what they’re doing with their lives and they are forever being productive.

I feel like my free time is in front of me and I’m running my arse off to get it and every time I nearly grab it, I get jolted back suddenly and poof, its gone.

What is a mum to do?!

 

 

 

10 reasons your big sister will always be your best friend:

  1. Friends will always come and go out of your life but no one will ever truly stand by your decisions and mistakes like your sister. Taking back a cheating boyfriend – she may not agree with it but damn, she won’t stop talking to you because of it.
  2. No one will ever understand you or your life like her. You annoy the hell out of her by the constant questions and the stealing of essays. Believe me, you think sitting your GCSE’s were hard, imagine being her, she had to sit them twice – once when she was in year 10 and then the second time when you were in year 10. She knows you and your life better than she knows her own.
  3. She is your mother and father all rolled into one – she has your fathers wisdom and your mothers comforting hug but the best bit is, you can tell her everything, including the things that would probably get you into trouble if you were to tell your parents.
  4. She’s the first born which automatically makes her the experiment, so anything you’re going through, you can bet that she’s been through too. Although you have definitely gotten away with a lot more than her, not only because she was the tester child when it came to boundaries but also because you have her fighting your corner and arguing with your parents when you’ve already stormed off upstairs.
  5. She’ll always let you borrow anything out of her wardrobe because you can bet that while you’re rummaging through hers, she’s doing the exact same to yours. Also she’ll always forgive you when you give her back her clothes with stains on them or completely broke. Like when you wore her leather jacket to school and ripped it on a chair (sorry about that!). She won’t even get that mad because she loves you.
  6. You will never truly feel as comfortable around your friends like you do with your sister. You have no boundaries around your sister like you do with friends. I mean, what is personal space when it comes to sisterly love? Fancy a chat whilst one is in the shower? Go for it! You unlock that door and sit on the toilet and tell your sister all about your day.
  7. She is the one person who will always give you her last. The top you both love, of course she says it’ll look better on you than her, she’ll even sometimes buy it for you. She will always put you first, even if you don’t realise it.
  8. She has been with you through every step of your journey, even before you can remember. She has slapped kids in the street for picking on you, she has protected you from more things than you’ll ever know and she’s given you the best memories and the worst arguments. She even went to school a week after having her tonsils out, when she could barely eat because it was your first day in the comprehensive school.
  9. She will always be your cheerleader and she will always fight your corner. Whatever you do in your life, she is the one person who will always be proud of you. She will always make sure you know that she loves you and that she’d follow you to the ends of the earth to make sure you’re okay.
  10. She is your second mother and although that can sometimes be a right pain in the arse, you know that she will always love you unconditionally. She’d never hurt you and she’ll will personally try her hardest to make sure that you’re happy and safe in everything that you do.

Jasmine, I love you. For everything you do for me and for being my best friend. With you by my side, I know I can get through whatever life throws at me, with a grin on my face and a laugh that’s about to erupt. You’re the funniest person I know and I may not say it often enough but I wouldn’t be the person I am today, the mother I am today, if it wasn’t for you. Thank you for being the best big sister I could ever wish for.

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Screaming hell.

Who knew someone so small and so angelic looking could have lungs the size of two football pitches?!

hattie sleeping

Well the last few days, this sleeping beauty has learnt something new. Something that may haunt me in my sleep and what I’ll hear even when she’s not with me.

Hattie has learnt to scream. Screaming when she’s happy, screaming when she’s sad, screaming when she’s frustrated and even screaming in her sleep.

Screaming, screaming, screaming!

Along with her screaming she’s turned into a right sassy little girl with the most stubborn attitude. Terrible two’s they say? Bet they have nothing on what my 17 month old is putting me through. Old before her time I suppose.

My hat goes off to every other parent who’s sat on the settee, exhausted from a day full of rows, entertaining and forcing naps on toddlers who will point blank refuse anything that’s not chocolate.

 

The good, the bad, the ugly..

No one really tells you, the newly pregnant woman with the great glow, anything about what its truly like to have a little human enter your life and turn it completely upside down. Don’t get me wrong, EVERYONE loves telling you about how much pain they were in during labour, how long their labour lasted and how many stitches they needed to receive after their little one came into the world without forgetting one little detail but no one ever really gets to the nitty gritty of being a mother or father.

As naïve as it sounds, I honestly thought that my life wouldn’t really change that much. I just thought that I’d have the same lifestyle, same free time and same old routine as I had when I was any other 20 year old but with the added bonus of having a mini me. And then after 3 days of slow labour and 8+ hours of active labour, there she was. And she wasn’t even my mini me, she was her fathers! My life has most definitely never been the same since. I have never been this happy, this stressed, this worried and sometimes, so mentally and physically drained in all my life.

Some days are harder than others. Some days you’ll need to call for some backup and as soon as they come, you just need to leg it up the stairs to hide under the duvet for a few minutes and then other days are the best days of your life. Many days you’ll need to lower the bar of what you think is doing a good job. Maybe you doing a good job is only saying ‘fuck’ in your head around twenty times instead of a hundred or that you actually managed to get yourself and your child dressed before 12pm and other times it can be that you’ve actually managed to go to the park and clean the house with only having to watch one hour of Peppa Pig that day.

Hattie may read this back and think ‘damn, you took my first few years for granted’ and many of you may be reading this and thinking exactly the same but believe me when I say that I have not taken any of this amazing adventure for granted. I have loved every single day even if some days I do end up in tears and in need of a massive alcoholic beverage. The amazing thing about children is one minute their having a tantrum because you’ve tried to stop them from eating some old food they somehow found from under the sofa or because you told them not to stick their finger in the plug socket but then in the next instance they are cuddling you and kissing you and running around shouting mama with the proudest of looks on their face. They’re incredibly unpredictable and sometimes that’s a haunting thing and other times, its the most amazing thing.

What really needs to be said about having children is that some days you do end up reminiscing about the past more than other days and some nights when you’re begging your child to go back to sleep that having a little cry from being overtired is all bloody normal.

Everything you’re more than likely doing is all bloody normal. Your emotions are to hell. You have someone who you love more than you could ever imagine but sometimes they can push you so far that you do need to hold your hands up, admit that its hard to do it all on your own, have some help and take a good damn rest.

Mothers may be the new modern day superhero but come on, don’t even superhero’s need days off?